Sometimes
Life brings you to a place
Where you can't know
Whether you should just give up
Or try harder.
I'm gonna keep trying
Until you can honestly say
That you don't love me anymore.
So there :P
Thursday, March 31, 2011
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Shrink Session One 3/30/11
So, as I told you guys before, I started seeing a psychologist today. I may have BPD or it could just be on/off depression cuz it usually takes alot to trigger it. My mom made me look like a psychopath today in front of my shrink. Being her, she would, of course, pour EVERYTHING out there to her about my life. Taylor. Nick. Garrett. My dad...
Only what she thinks she knows, though. My shrink only has to go by what I say. And I have confidentiality on my side so she isn't allowed to tell anyone anything. I'm not gonna let my mom involve anyone but me in this. I'm also not letting my mom in again. Not talking to her. Not opening up to her. Not letting her talk to my shrink. She isn't allowed to tell mom anything that isn't life-threatening, so it's all good where she's concerned.
But my mom will get hers. She's having it coming...
By this I mean that for one, she can't stop me from seeing/talking to any of the above (my dad excluded cuz he's a douche) and for two, I'm rewriting my book.
The Butterfly Project
That's the novel I'm writing. I've changed it alot from how it was before. I've made it to where it's set in the office of a psychologist and it alternates from being written in thoughts, talking to the shrink, poems, and brief narratory monologues. It's still my life story, but the character that represents me (the character is Aubrey Gray) is portrayed to alternate between sanity and insanity.
In my book, Aubrey refers to her mother only as "the Widow". The reason being she identifies her with a Black Widow - pretty but poisonous. Not to be trusted. A sadist. A liar. A betrayer.
For summaries and exerpts, go to my Book Blog where I'm gonna post summaries of individual chapters.
If you actually want to read it, I'm not posting it. I'll email by individual chapters. Taylor is the only one reading so far, but she hasn't read it since I did my rewrite. So, Tay, if you see this, comment or something and I'll email it. But you've been warned, I've written 6 chapters, working on 7, and I already know what I plan to do with chapter 8.
Chapter 8 is what I meant when I said mom will get hers. I'm making this entire chapter about her. I'm titling it "The Widow" so it's basically a morbid, psychopathical take on a kind of hatrid towards her that at the same time is laced with wishing she could be trusted...
You guys will understand further in my summaries. Also, I'm starting a journal for as long as I'm seeing Amy (AKA shrink) for notes about what was covered in sessions and stuff that I wanna include in this novel.
I won't post any direct chapters from my novel because, for one, it's a novel. But also because it includes some stuff that's extremely personal to myself and like 3 people who I'm close to. I've changed everyone's names and set it in a shrink's office, but I've left all the events the way they happened. All the stories are true.
My goal in writing this is that, if I'm lucky, it'll help someone later on who is in the middle of going through the places that we've been. That said, I don't plan to have it published without 2 of my 3 people having read it. Y'all know who those 2 are, but you don't know who or if they are in my book, so all should be cool where that's concerned.
In complete honesty, the goal is to help people in these situations. To make them see that they aren't alone and that things will get better. But sometimes they get worse first...however, the book wound up being centered around Aubrey and her relationship with the Widow. So if I say "the Widow" or "the Reaper", I mean my mother and I use those terms out of habit from how much I use them in the book. I've been working on it non-stop for the last 2 weeks. I also wrote an Author's Note for formality and because I love you two and I wanted you to know you were my main inspiration.
My book is an alternative journal. It also helps me to keep from cutting/burning/popping/popping rubberband/self-inflicting SO I've been focused on it alot. It's turning out alot better than I'd expected and I really hope it's cool with you (you know who you are) cuz Tay already said that I have full access to her.
You guys still don't know what character represents who and I won't say for confidentiality purposes unless the person themself gives me permission. So all you need to know is that Kristen, Adam, and Urey are the characters to watch for besides Aubrey. You know she's me. The others are secret but important.
That's all I can say for now. I'll keep you guys posted about my sessions and crap. So, yeah. Bye.
Only what she thinks she knows, though. My shrink only has to go by what I say. And I have confidentiality on my side so she isn't allowed to tell anyone anything. I'm not gonna let my mom involve anyone but me in this. I'm also not letting my mom in again. Not talking to her. Not opening up to her. Not letting her talk to my shrink. She isn't allowed to tell mom anything that isn't life-threatening, so it's all good where she's concerned.
But my mom will get hers. She's having it coming...
By this I mean that for one, she can't stop me from seeing/talking to any of the above (my dad excluded cuz he's a douche) and for two, I'm rewriting my book.
The Butterfly Project
That's the novel I'm writing. I've changed it alot from how it was before. I've made it to where it's set in the office of a psychologist and it alternates from being written in thoughts, talking to the shrink, poems, and brief narratory monologues. It's still my life story, but the character that represents me (the character is Aubrey Gray) is portrayed to alternate between sanity and insanity.
In my book, Aubrey refers to her mother only as "the Widow". The reason being she identifies her with a Black Widow - pretty but poisonous. Not to be trusted. A sadist. A liar. A betrayer.
For summaries and exerpts, go to my Book Blog where I'm gonna post summaries of individual chapters.
If you actually want to read it, I'm not posting it. I'll email by individual chapters. Taylor is the only one reading so far, but she hasn't read it since I did my rewrite. So, Tay, if you see this, comment or something and I'll email it. But you've been warned, I've written 6 chapters, working on 7, and I already know what I plan to do with chapter 8.
Chapter 8 is what I meant when I said mom will get hers. I'm making this entire chapter about her. I'm titling it "The Widow" so it's basically a morbid, psychopathical take on a kind of hatrid towards her that at the same time is laced with wishing she could be trusted...
You guys will understand further in my summaries. Also, I'm starting a journal for as long as I'm seeing Amy (AKA shrink) for notes about what was covered in sessions and stuff that I wanna include in this novel.
I won't post any direct chapters from my novel because, for one, it's a novel. But also because it includes some stuff that's extremely personal to myself and like 3 people who I'm close to. I've changed everyone's names and set it in a shrink's office, but I've left all the events the way they happened. All the stories are true.
My goal in writing this is that, if I'm lucky, it'll help someone later on who is in the middle of going through the places that we've been. That said, I don't plan to have it published without 2 of my 3 people having read it. Y'all know who those 2 are, but you don't know who or if they are in my book, so all should be cool where that's concerned.
In complete honesty, the goal is to help people in these situations. To make them see that they aren't alone and that things will get better. But sometimes they get worse first...however, the book wound up being centered around Aubrey and her relationship with the Widow. So if I say "the Widow" or "the Reaper", I mean my mother and I use those terms out of habit from how much I use them in the book. I've been working on it non-stop for the last 2 weeks. I also wrote an Author's Note for formality and because I love you two and I wanted you to know you were my main inspiration.
My book is an alternative journal. It also helps me to keep from cutting/burning/popping/popping rubberband/self-inflicting SO I've been focused on it alot. It's turning out alot better than I'd expected and I really hope it's cool with you (you know who you are) cuz Tay already said that I have full access to her.
You guys still don't know what character represents who and I won't say for confidentiality purposes unless the person themself gives me permission. So all you need to know is that Kristen, Adam, and Urey are the characters to watch for besides Aubrey. You know she's me. The others are secret but important.
That's all I can say for now. I'll keep you guys posted about my sessions and crap. So, yeah. Bye.
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
For A Close Friend
You know who you are.
You're not a player.
I know you.
You're a lover at heart.
You're afraid.
Of being judged
by someone you love.
Of losing someone
who you care about.
I know who you are.
You're strong
even though you think you're weak.
You're amazing
even though you don't like yourself.
You're fearless
when it comes to love.
You're easily hurt
so you make yourself hard to know.
You think you're unknown
so you fade into the background.
You hide in the shadow
of those around you.
You try to make their standards low
so you can't disappoint them.
I know who you are.
You're smart
but you don't think so.
You're talented
but you don't believe it.
You work hard
to do everything for everyone else.
Everyone but yourself.
You're selfless
and thoughtful
and whole-hearted
and genuine.
You're my best friend.
Don't hurt yourself.
Don't slip away.
Don't ever feel like you're anything less
than perfect.
You're not a player.
I know you.
You're a lover at heart.
You're afraid.
Of being judged
by someone you love.
Of losing someone
who you care about.
I know who you are.
You're strong
even though you think you're weak.
You're amazing
even though you don't like yourself.
You're fearless
when it comes to love.
You're easily hurt
so you make yourself hard to know.
You think you're unknown
so you fade into the background.
You hide in the shadow
of those around you.
You try to make their standards low
so you can't disappoint them.
I know who you are.
You're smart
but you don't think so.
You're talented
but you don't believe it.
You work hard
to do everything for everyone else.
Everyone but yourself.
You're selfless
and thoughtful
and whole-hearted
and genuine.
You're my best friend.
Don't hurt yourself.
Don't slip away.
Don't ever feel like you're anything less
than perfect.
Thunderstorms
Because the sound of rain helps me sleep, lightning is strong and beautiful, and because people hear the thunder so they're afraid of the storm. I want someone to find the beauty in danger.
Monday, March 7, 2011
Sunday, March 6, 2011
Mah News!!
Music & Movies Blog: http://musicmoviesblog-allison2433.blogspot.com/
Garrett's new Blogger thingy: http://daydreambeliever13-daydreambeliever13.blogspot.com/
AND YOU GUYS DON'T FORGET ABOUT TAYLOR!!
Taylor's Blog: http://twitchs-world.blogspot.com/
Okay, I'm done now. And, yes, anybody who has a blog that gets mentioned in one of my entries/videos or does a video with me will get a thumbnail whether they like it or not. Deal with it. O.O
Friday, March 4, 2011
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
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